Speech by best friend to the
We are here to say goodbye to our
brother, Jonathan, who is departing for the land of the married.
We all knew that Jonathan was regarded as an eligible bachelor,
but we didn't think that marriage was what he was eligible for .
We tried to persuade Jonathan to not marry, however it did not
work. We warned him that a husband is a glorified handyman, that
he will be spending his weekends painting, decorating, gardening,
and maintaining the car. He will be abandoning happy Saturday
afternoons spent watching football, and instead spend them
shopping, spending money. If he cannot afford a dishwasher he will
be a dishwasher. Sundays will no longer be a day of rest spent
playing cricket or sailing, but devoted to visiting in-laws.
Evenings at the pub or the bar will have to be abandoned and he
will stay at home, opening bottles for others to drink. To all
this, he said, and I quote, 'Garbage.' So you see, his vocabulary
has changed already! He continued, 'You are not married. How do
So we sought wiser men than
ourselves who have walked down the same path he proposes to take.
W. c. Fields said that women are like elephants, very nice to look
at, but he wouldn't want to own one. A look at our former friends
who have married will show that marriages are made in heaven, to
make life hell below.
Alternatively choose a quotation
from the selection in the chapter entitled Quotations.
Many young ladies will mourn
Jonathan's departure. He was all things to all young women.
Sometimes they were hinting to telephone him. In fact a lady who
looked like Mae West was hiding in the phone booth in the parking
lot waiting to see him as we came in tonight. She is still
waiting, alas in vain.
We, too, have failed. He remains
unconvinced. To him an evening with one woman is worth an evening
with ten of us. She must be a truly wonderful girl. We shall never
know. So we have gathered here this evening to spend a last
evening telling jokes with our friend, who is unhindered by
responsibilities. We decided to present him with a small token
which he can take to his new life, and keep in memory of his
bachelor days and the friends he has left behind. Unfortunately
when we went into the shop to buy his gift we met a couple of his
ex-girlfriends who insisted on coming along to remind him of the
girls he is leaving behind, and to present him with a small, but
wonderfully packaged gift, a token of our friendship. Jonathan
-Here they are!
Two male friends dressed in drag
appear, possibly as twin brides, preferably in long dresses or
other outfits that keep them well covered to prevent any incidents
among their own group or from outsiders. They present the gift. It
should be something useful for setting up home, if only a rather
expensive bottle-opener, possibly with other small mementoes of
his favorite bachelor activities or sport such as golf balls,
presented inside something amusing and clearly feminine but not in
bad taste, such as a pair of stockings, with a blue garter for him
to give to his bride for the wedding so that she can wear
'something borrowed, something blue'.
An alternative would be a huge
gift, something large which the drag brides have difficulty
getting through the door, such as a golfing umbrella, or a garden
umbrella if the couple hope to move from bachelor flats into a
house. It could be extended to look even longer, and presented
with the words that we wanted to give you 'a small gift' or a gift
'big enough for two'. I am sure that the jokes which this will
inspire can be left to the inspiration of the moment.
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