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I don't know why anyone picked me to give a speech. I've never given a speech in my life before. And I'm sure you don't want along speech but I've tried to prepare something, and I hope it's all right. Anyway, all I can say is, I did make some notes somewhere, I think I put them in my pocket, or maybe (silence).

Well, I can't find them, but (pause), oh, here it is. I've got a joke! 'As I was on my way to the wedding' (pause). Oh, I've dropped it! Can you move your chair? No, don't bother. It's not really funny, and you've probably heard it anyway. Most of you don't know Johnathan, but I expect you'll want to wish him, and the bride

SPEECHES TO AVOID

Extremely brief reply from the bridegroom

Thank you.

SPEECHES TO AVOID

Depressing speech

Relatives and friends, the one person missing here today
is of course, Maria's father, and no day can be really happy without him with us. Though I have tried to take his place, it is mere formality. No one can take his place.

Our happiness would have been complete if he had been
here. Alas he is not. We miss his help and his advice, as a husband to Patricia, and father to Maria. He made so many plans for this wedding. If only he could have seen Maria today ...{breaks off). Has somebody got a handkerchief to give to Maria?'

SPEECHES TO AVOID

Negative, too revealing speech

I don't like speeches and I didn't want to give a speech,
but Patricia insisted I should. I suppose there was nobody else. I'm not a good speaker so I'm not going to bore you by making a long speech.   Maria's a nice girl. I went out with Maria for a long time before she decided to marry Johnathan, or he decided to marry her. So I suppose it's what she wanted and she's done the right thing. Anyway, they know each other pretty well, having been living together for two years now. They wouldn't have got married if she hadn't been pregnant, so the baby has done something good. I know her Mum's pleased. The baby's going to be a big change. Everyone says, 'May all your troubles be little ones'. Apart from that I don't suppose they'll have any troubles. Marriage won't be a big change for them as they'll be living in the same place, you know. So everything is going to be all right, more or less.

Er -what else am I supposed to say? If you haven't a drink the bar's still open. Prices are a bit steep but don't go to weddings every day. We're going to pass hat round later, buy some beer and go back to the
place. Maria's shaking her head. What's the matter,Don't you want us to? Johnathan says it's all right. Any if you can't afford the whisky and you haven't gotbeer left, grab a glass of water. To Maria and Johnathan! Can I sit down now?

SPEECHES TO AVOID 

Long pompous speech

Your Royal Highness, ladies and gentlemen, as a minister, judge and professor, I feel I am in a good position to speak about the history of marriage, its importance in society, and the duties of the married couple to each other and the wider community. First, the history of marriage (continues) ...

Now, we shall continue with the sayings of the numerous venerable sages (continues) ...

...Well, I agreed not to speak more than half an hour, but I see that I have been speaking for a little longer than forty-five minutes. I could continue considerably longer on this fascinating subject, in fact I have several pages of notes here if anybody wishes to come and ask me any questions. Unfortunately I am obliged to terminate at this stage, because someone has just passed me a note saying that the band has to depart at 11 pm, and it is now 10.30. So I will conclude by saying that (continues) ...

SPEECHES TO AVOID 

Reluctant father-in-law's speech

 We're very pleased to see Maria getting married, at last. When I first met Johnathan I didn't like him very much, because of his hair and his clothes and the fact that he didn't have a steady job, but now I've got to know him he doesn't seem too bad. All these are things which can be changed. I'm sure Maria could change him if she wanted to, but she seems to like him the way he is. We're sorry that his Mom, what's her name?, died, and that his Dad didn't come along with his new stepmother, but perhaps it's just as well. Anyway,  where was I? Well, er, I think that's everything. Let's all have a drink. Was I supposed to toast somebody?departs across the skies to the beautiful tropical paradise which she will enhance immeasurably. ..

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