Deciding on What Name You'll Use After Your Wedding
What will your name be after you're married? It may not seem like a big deal right now,
while you're in the planning stages, but just watch what a big decision it will turn into
once it's time to make up your mind.
YOUR OPTIONS
Here's a list of your common options in the 1990's.
1. KEEP YOUR OWN NAME: Miss/Ms. Mary B. Smith
2. TAKE YOUR HUSBAND'S NAME: Mrs. John Doe or Mrs. Mary Doe or Mrs. John (Mary) Doe or Ms.
Mary Doe
3. HYPHENATE YOUR LAST NAME: Mrs. Mary Smith-Doe or Ms. Mary Smith-Doe
4. KEEP YOUR LAST NAME AS A MIDDLE NAME: Mrs. Mary Smith Doe or Ms. Mary Smith Doe
PROS, CONS & REASONS
Your name is uniquely yours. You may not wish to be known by another name. You may not
feel comfortable with a "new" name. It is perfectly acceptable to continue using
your old name in this day and age. As a matter of fact, it has never actually been law in
the United States, as far as we know, for a wife to take her husband's name! It has simply
been the custom, the traditional approach. If you're certain you'll be keeping your own
name, you basically won't have to do anything about it. Simply correct the return address
of mail projecting your husband's name onto you, and gently inform those addressing you by
your husband's name that you wish to continue being called by your own name.
As far as taking your husband's name, many feel that it is a sign of love and commitment
to adopt a new name - a new name for a new life. And being the traditional approach, it
may be the easiest way to deal with the whole issue. If your new name would make you feel
proud and comfortable, by all means feel free to make the traditional choice.
It is by no means a reflection on your independence or political stance to adopt your
husband's name, even in this era of PC (Political Correctness). Just look at the many
famous, independent and powerful women who have taken the plunge (Pamela Anderson is now
Pamela Lee; Yoko One became Yoko Ono Lennon - although it should be mentioned here that
John Winston Lennon became John Ono Lennon and that their child was named Sean Ono Lennon
- score one for the women; Caroline Kennedy and Maria Shriver both hyphenate).
One funny problem that occurs more often than you'd think would be the odd combinations
which could result from changing your name: Patty Fast marries John Laine and becomes
Patty Fast Laine; Thelma Jones marries Victor Selmer and becomes Thelma Selmer. Make sure
you don't choose a name which could make you feel uncomfortable or make you the brunt of
unkind jokes.
Far and away, the most common and most comfortable way to deal with the whole thing is to
simply add your husband's last name to yours, either by hyphenating the two (Mrs. Mary
Smith-Doe) or by adapting your last name as a middle name (Mary Smith Doe). This also
allows for a certain amount of ethnicity and tradition to be preserved without militancy,
and also is great for continuing a family name or line in cases where there are no male
heirs. You can use your last name as a middle name or hyphenated last name for your
children. (Interestingly, in Spain, among other countries, a child's last name is the
MOTHER'S NAME! This tradition goes back centuries to the idea that while paternity could
always be questioned, maternity is a definite. Therefore, if Mary Smith married John
Jones, their child would be Joseph Jones Smith!
This approach more or less circumvents the entire dilemma and let's people know that you
are proud of your marriage and your husband's name, but that you still maintain an
independent streak.
For many, the issue of name choice is a matter of professional importance. If you are well
known to the public or within your profession, you may not wish to jeopardize any
name-recognition factor or "bankability" of your name, nor in any way negate
your previous accomplishments. Suppose you were a well known author with five best-sellers
under your "maiden" name. Would you consider changing your name to your
husband's at the risk of confusing your audience? In cases like this, by all means
maintain your own name as your professional name, even if you wish to adopt your husband's
name in your private life. (A great example is Diane Sawyer. She is married to movie
director/writer Mike Nichols. As a broadcaster and author she continues to use her own
name, but it is reported that she prefers to be called "Mrs. Nichols" at all
other times.)
So basically, the whole thing boils down to a matter of personal choice, and what could be
more politically correct than that? Don't let your husband bully you into taking his name.
That is certainly a danger sign in itself. Its your decision to make, and make it alone.
Along the way, there will be other issues and annoyances (will you be Ms. or Mrs.? Will
you accept the traditional in formal circumstances - Mrs. John Smith? Will you change your
mind along the way?). Just go with the flow and begin to develop a sense of what you'd
like your name to be. Once things have settled into a pattern, you will want to begin
formalizing your decision on legal documents, etc. Below is a checklist to help you on
your way. Good luck in your new life with your new - or old - name!
Application for a Social Security Card (SS-5)
Below you will find the SS-5 Form in both Postscript and Portable Document Format
(PDF). The PDF permits you to print out a duplicate of the original SS-5 using any
graphics printer. PDF files are printer independent and should print easily on any
graphics printer (i.e., laser, inkjet, dot-matrix) but not on daisy-wheel printers .
The PDF was developed by Adobe Systems, Inc. and allows the reader to print a publication
close in appearance to the original printed version, preserving typography, columns,
charts, tables and graphics.
To read and print a PDF publication, you must have the Adobe Acrobat Reader software
installed on your PC. Adobe Systems, Inc. permits the Social Security Administration and
other organizations to offer this software to the public free of charge. You can download
the Adobe Acrobat Reader version suitable for your system (DOS, Windows, SunOS(TM) 4.1.3
and Solaris(R) 2.3, Apple) from the Adobe Home Page .
Remember to enable the "Load to Disk" capability of your WWW browser prior to
downloading the Adobe Acrobat Reader. Read the Electronic
End User License Agreement and any other instructions prior to installing the Adobe
Acrobat Reader on your system.
After you download the Adobe Acrobat Reader, come back to this page and download the
PDF version of the SS-5 below. Remember to enable the "Load to Disk"
capability of your WWW browser prior to downloading the SS-5. Then, complete the SS-5
using the instructions on page 2 of the form. See pages 1, 2 and 4 of the form for the
evidence that you will need to submit with your application. Finally, take or mail the
SS-5 to the nearest Social Security office. Be sure to take or mail the originals or
certified copies of your supporting documents along with the form. We will return your
original documents right away. Once we have everything we need, we will send your Social
Security Card in about two weeks.
_ Driver's License - _Automobile Registration - _Employer Personnel Records - _Social
Security - _Payroll - _Income Tax -_ Voter Registration - _Passport -_ Bank Accounts -
_Mortgages and Leases - _Credit Cards, _Utilities, Bills -_ Postal Service (including any
change of address) - _Health and other Insurance
UNDERSTANDING MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS
COMPATIBILITY
A house, a life, a marriage, is only as good as the foundation it rests on. When a
storm or floodwaters or winds threaten the foundation, the ones who crash are the ones
built on sand rather than those built on rock.
A marriage also needs to be built on a rock. I also compare marriage sometimes with a
corporation with officers. A man and a woman need to be corporate officers with equal
responsibilities but sometimes different activities and assignments. But before I enter
into this corporation, I need to know what I am able and willing to put into the marriage.
What do I expect to get out of the marriage? What are our needs physically, emotionally,
spiritually, and sexually? What methods do we need to use to reach those goals? To answer
these questions you must know yourself. You must have your own identity.
Often the physical attraction blinds us, the other emotional need. The basic needs of all
of us are: someone to be close to, to confide in, to reveal ourselves to without fear of
being hurt, someone who will not shut the door upon us. We hunger for identity. To know
who we are and where we are going. We want to climb to the top of the mountain. We want to
use the same path. We want to understand our needs, the needs of our body, mind and spirit
and we also want to know the needs of our partner. You definitely want your partner to be
happy also. Unhappiness for one means unhappiness for both.
Many marriages wind up in unhappiness or divorce on account of incompatibility.
Compatibility is of big importance in a marriage. A man and a woman who are not well
matched, who are very different and yet are teamed up in a marriage can encounter great
problems. When husband and wife have different interests, different tastes of friends and
emotional activities and only a few things in common, the marital bonds can come under
great strain. Compatibility is not just an exciting foundation, it is something we can
also create through the process of learning from each other, positive behaviors through
realization of the partners needs, and learning to omit behaviors that have daily negative
influence on the couple.
The couple needs to construct relationship rules. Rules that might bring new awareness
into the individuals identity and life rules. I will do everything for my relationship
except two things: losing my identity and prostituting my values.
Compatibility or lack of it can also be highly affected by our cultural and familiar
backgrounds. These differences are not always negative. They can be a very positive,
enjoyable and enriching aspect of our lives, dependent upon our personal desire to
continue to learn. Learning is growing.
The highest and deepest foundation for compatibility is our concept of love. Love does not
behave indecently. Love does not look for its own interests, love does not become
provoked, love does not rejoice over un-righteousness, but rejoices with the truth.
Compatibility is exciting our love with the experience of the adventure of living together
and to climb to the top of the mountain on the same path.
