Foreverwed.com ~ View topic - Proper wedding attire

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

I think that either dress would be fine as long as they are simple in style.

Glenna Tooman, ForeverWed.com Wedding Consultant

Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 90

Monci--

You are correct, black is traditionally frowned upon for female wedding guests' attire. Not only is it normally connected with mourning, there is a traditional idea that wearing black to a wedding is either a statement of disapproval and/or a source of bad luck for the couple.

However, in the past 10-15 years, the practical application of this tradition has become much less-followed. The "little black dress" is almost a uniform of sorts for semi- and formal occasions in some social circles-- and especially for the more and more popular evening weddings, some brides actually approve of this sort of attire.

Since it was the bride, originally, that was likely to be offended by a female guest wearing black, certainly if the bride doesn't mind (or even encourages black attire, which is not as uncommon as one might think) , it's less important to follow the "no black" tradition.

Regional and social circle differences in what's considered "gauche" (as well as the feelings of the couple) DO play a part in this sort of decision. Whenever there's any doubt, I recommend people choose a color other than black-- and that they ALWAYS avoid white and off-white. And personally, I never wear black to weddings, even if the bride doesn't mind-- that's just my preference.

However, I think one can no longer say, definitively, that black is ALWAYS wrong for a wedding guest's attire.

Sara

http://home.netcom.com/~symbios/wedding.html

Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 90

Dear Mother of the Bride--

Situations like you describe do occasionally come up, and they are always difficult and frustrating-- no matter how you
deal with them.

From the history you cite and your gut feeling about the issue, you may well be right that the future SIL is wearing
black purposely to upset the bride.

With the wedding just more than hours away, and no apparent help available from the groom's brother, your options
for "handling" the situation are fairly limited. And your *good* options are even moreso.

If you want to get into more details privately, you can send me a private message using the "PM" button below, but
the general options that occured to me off the top of my head are as follows:

~ If there's ANY chance that wearing black is not a deliberate slap by the SIL, and if the groom's mother (who
mentioned it to you) seems sympathetic, you could see if she could try any gentle persuasion. If, on the other hand,
it's pretty clearly a spiteful action, anyone trying to talk her out of it will most likely just prove that she's accomplishing
her purpose. So in that case, don't bother.

~ Anyone who bullies or bothers is looking for a reaction. The best way to get the better of them is to NOT react the
way they hope you will. I completely understand your daughter's feeling about this; I am very traditional, personally,
about the whole "wearing black" issue. However, with the way the SIL has already clearly shown that she has no
good wishes for the bride or that union, it really cannot *hurt* anything much more for her to wear black to show this
feeling.

It should be no surprise that the SIL will not be a positive part of the event, so the thing to do may be for you and
your daughter, etc., to decide NOW that she just is NOT going to ruin the day no matter what. We all know, you
cannot change the actions of other people, but we CAN change our *re*actions to them. This is a situation where
that may be the most important "solution" of all, in the end.

~ The photography might well be something you can overcome without offending the BIL or the groom. If they want a
full-family portrait with parents, happy couple, all siblings and their spouses, etc.-- take one. Your daughter should be
in it, and she should just concentrate on the nearness of the groom, smile and forget the SIL altogether.

And one way to make it easier for her to do this is for you to remind her now that she won't want a copy of that
photo, so she need never see it. If the groom's family wants copies for their mantles, they can buy them, and if she is
beaming with bridal joy-- they'll love the photo.

The thing to do, though, is to take other groupings as well-- and this need not be a big deal, because most of the
time the family and bridal party members don't know exactly which poses a photographer will choose to shoot
anyway. If after the full-family shot, the photographer calls just the siblings and parents, without spouses, for
example, there's no need for anyone to feel offended. And if that's the photo that the groom and bride prefer later,
they can choose that one instead.

So think through what other groupings might be logical to include the BIL and other immediate family of the groom.
Then notify the photographer that you'd like those added to the photo list.

Approaching the issue from this direction should make the bride feel better, and might ease the situation overall
without causing an unpleasant scene. Any overt gesture by the bride, like refusing to be in a photo with the SIL
doesn't solve anything-- and it may be just the kind of reaction the SIL is looking for. Since the black dress won't be a
surprise, your daughter has the chance to "get over it" now, and be bigger and more gracious than the SIL on
wedding day.

And remember, usually the people who matter to you and care the most know who's behaving badly without anyone
making a scene to point it out. I personally think that in the long run, your daughter finding a way (and the
determination) to have a WONDERFUL DAY despite the SIL's efforts to put a damper on it, is very likely the best
"revenge".

Good luck in dealing with this issue, and more important-- I wish your daughter and her groom a lovely wedding day and a long and happy marriage.

Sara

Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 90

Hello, again--

You know, the problem with people like this woman appears to be, is that their tactics are similar to what my pre-teen sons deal with on the school yard every day. It's cheap shots and it's all for effect and reaction and attention.

It's SO hard, as you said, not to make the cutting remark... but if you DO make it, and she makes a fuss, and the groom's brother takes offense... how much did it really buy you? That's where my perspective is. Trying to decide what course of action will make you best able to enjoy the day but without adding fuel to the SIL's fire.

I have been involved in weddings with equally difficult family members, and even a few who sound worse than this one. I've used a number of different "strategies" for each situation, depending on the specifics. But RARELY does something like refusing to be in a photo work out best for someone in your daughter's position. If the SIL is looking for attention and to get a rise out of your daughter, depriving her of those reactions really might be the only way to "win".

Sara

Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 90

Hi, Knockkneed--

There isn't a lot of etiquette about what guests wear to weddings, really. A few main "rules" cover most situations--- and as you've probably noticed from this discussion, even those concepts are not accepted as "gospel" across the board in all social circles, regions, etc.

In your case, you didn't mention time of day or formality of the event. For daytime, generally you wear a "short dress" -- from mid-calf to just above the knee. (Usually mini-skirt styles are not as appropriate for most weddings.)

For evening, see if you can find out a little about the level of formality of the event. It *might* be formal enough for a long-skirt style, but probably would be "cocktail" attire at most, or something less formal.

For outdoor weddings in the summer, sometimes more casual, soft or feminine styles are very appropriate.

In colors, you've likely read the issues about black. The other inappropriate color is all-white (white background prints or white accents or two-tone outfits with white are usually just fine.)

Beyond that, choose what looks nicest on you and makes you feel comfortable and attractive. The only other limitation on color might be if you were scheduled to be included in family portraits. In that case, try to avoid really bold colors like red which might clash with the wedding color scheme unattractively, or very bold prints which don't always photograph well.

Hope the wedding goes wonderfully.

Sara

Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 90

Hi, Clueless--

This sounds like a judgement call--- or better yet, a case where the simplest answer is to just ask the bride if she cares or not.

In general, as a guest-only (not immediate family) I don't see any reason, especially for a less formal, afternoon summer wedding, that red would be inappropriate necessarily. I wore red to a cousin's wedding once, but wouldn't now because that family of cousins have started having all family pose for a portrait at each wedding. (They didn't at the wedding when I wore red.)

From your general description, the dress sounds relatively demure-- not too short, not too tight or suggestive for this sort of occasion. I think that the strapless style *might* be less appropriate, but it's hard to say.

I didn't notice you saying where the wedding would be held. Certainly for a church wedding, the cover-up would be more appropriate, on general principles. Outdoors or in some non-religious venue, it might be fine with or without a wrap.

However, you might also want to consider how the women in your boyfriend's family dress for special occasions, if you know. In some families, the outfit you suggest would be greeted with enthusiasm; in others it might not seem appropriate.

As I mentioned initially, one simple way, in many situations, to figure out this sort of question is to just go to the bride and ask what she thinks. After all, most of the do's and don'ts for guest wedding attire really just boil down to respect for the event and the bride. That's why guests don't wear white, for example.

What other "answers" have you received to this issue??

Sara

Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 90

Farmbound--

In general, anytime the word "formal" is used, it's the most important term in expectation of the couple/hosts issuing the invitation. I find that it generally "trumps" any other term, like the 'garden' in your case.

When someone says "formal" in description of their event, you DON'T want to underdress. Slightly over-dressing would be preferable in almost every case.

Summer garden or evening formal?

My initial reaction was more like "tasteful cocktail". I think you can get away with a shorter skirt (not formal full-length) as a guest. Hot climate will mean you need something short sleeved, tank, halter, etc. But try not to go too revealing, and consider bringing some sort of wrap, shawl, matching jacket, etc. for any evening cool-down, or if you find other guests are a little more "covered up".

For the timing, however, and the "formal" designation, you could opt for something with a little shine or sparkle, evening accessories, etc.

Good luck.

Sara

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

Wearing black is becoming increasingly popular unless you live in a very conservative area of the country, primarily the South or the East Coast. If you will be attending the wedding in any other area, you will probably find a number of guests dressed in black. Wearing a black skirt with a different colored top should be fine.

ash,
do a google search for patriotic wedding gowns I came up with 73,700 sites, with all kinds of red, white and blue gowns. Also you could go for a normal white gown and then have blue and red detailing added in stiiching or beading, this would I thnk look much prettier and more formal than some of the gown I saw that looked like flags.
Good Luck on finding the dress/gown you want.
Sharon

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

Whether the dress is too casual will depend on where the wedding will be held. If the wedding is outdoors or somewhat casual, your dress should be fine. However, if it is held at a country club or another more formal venue, then your dress may be too casual.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

A church wedding calls for more conservative attire. If the reception will also be held at the church, then choose a nice dress, preferably solid color. If the reception will be held at another, more dressy, location then wear a cocktail-style dress. Avoid a long dress for a church wedding at 4 p.m.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

The dress should be fine in most areas of the U.S. People wear strapless and spaghetti straps year-round, but if you might be cold, then add a pretty black shawl. You definitely should wear nylons. Surely department stores have nice basic black pumps. You might also check a store like Payless Shoes. They carry many styles all the time.