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Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

Money trees are controversial items that not all guests like or are willing to contribute to. The best way to let people know what it is for without being blatant is to place some folded bills on the tree. That should attract attention and get the point across that others can do the same.

If you do want to be blatant, you can have the DJ or a family member mention during the reception that there is a money tree in the back should guests want to contribute. Neither the bride nor the groom should mention it, however, and the announcement should occur at least half way through the reception or towards the end, not early on. Otherwise, it will look like a strong pitch for money.

Glenna Tooman, ForeverWed.com Wedding Consultant

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

It would be inappropriate to mention a money tree in the invitation, just as it is inappropriate to mention gifts in the invitation.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

As a follow-up to this discussion, a couple of days ago one of my brides and I met with the manager of a reception facility. He mentioned that he discourages couples from having money trees, doing money dances, or asking for money as a gift. When couples come in after their wedding to settle their bills, he asks them what they would have done differently had they known in advance what they now know. Many of them mention money. Invariably they say that they received much less than their friends or family members who didn't have a money tree or do a money dance or ask for money.

Some of the differences in the amount of money received can be attributed to the number of guests who attend and the guest list, but if a facility manager feels the need to point out such information to those who are considering using his facility, then it is worth mentioning.

Joined: 22 Jan 2004 Posts: 10

Wendi,
Did you not read Glenda's earlier post:

Joined: 03 Dec 2003 Posts: 78 Location: Bellevue, WA

Honestly, as a guest, if I went to a wedding 1. I would not take money with me to "donate" to the couple. They aren't a charitable clause. If they spent all the money on their wedding and left nothing for a honeymoon, that is not my fault. That is how they chose to budget their money. And I HATE the assumption that people will bring gifts to a wedding of ANY sort.

If they ask for money on the invitation I would either 1. Buy a gift and wrap it up to bring anyway or 2. Bring nothing. (Depending on who it might even make me not want to go to the wedding at all)

If I got through the grapevine of gifts (parents, etc. NOT the bride or groom themselves) That they were really wanting some gift (NOT their honeymoon) that they would be saving money up for, then I would consider giving cash. ($25 or $30. I am MUCh more willing to spend money on a concrete object than to give cash)

Joined: 03 Dec 2003 Posts: 78 Location: Bellevue, WA

Joined: 03 Dec 2003 Posts: 78 Location: Bellevue, WA

I think one reason I prefer giving gifts: I am now starting to get gifts for the wedding. The gifts of money... Its going to be a LOT harder to remember that we got money from so-and-so. Than that we got the knives from Aunt Ruth. And the candlesticks from her mother. And so on.

I don't want to be forgotten. Sure, I give you money you put into a pool that becomes the downpayment for the house. How long are you going to have that house? Maybe 5 years. And how long of that will you remember who sent you $20 or whatever toward your downpayment? My suspicion is this: No longer than it takes to write the thank you note. Maybe a couple of months beyond. But without something tangible, it will all melt together.

This is also why I think that registries are for things that will last. Not stuff that will be used up within the first year, etc. Buy your first-year stuff yourself. Register for things that will go the distance. Singles have to set up households by themselves all the time without others helping them. And they manage.

Oh and PPS We are moving into my condo -- 550 square feet, 1 bedroom, 1 bath. and I already have a household full of stuff. So I UNDERSTAND the "not enough room" argument.

However -- I'm making room. Getting rid of cheap stuff I was using before for the longer lasting things. (or craft stuff, etc that I have decided not to pursue in favor of wedding gifts) I even have a storage unit to give me more room for things I'm not ready to get rid of but want to get out of the place to have room for my fiance'.

Oh, and I understand needing money too. I've got credit card debt. I would *like* to start married life debt-free (makes it easier to continue) But I don't in any way find it appropriate to ask. So I'm working on it as I can and after we are married, we will work on bringing down the debt as well.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

Everyone, let's remember that this is the etiquette forum. If posters are not interested in what is considered socially acceptable, perhaps questions should be posted in another forum. Though not everyone likes to be reminded of what is socially appropriate, we will continue to provide responses that reflect socially accepted standards of conduct. This forum is viewed world-wide; therefore, we have a responsibility to our viewers to provide accurate information that will not cause their guests to become offended by what the guests may feel is inappropriate behavior. Should viewers choose to ignore etiquette, that is their decison, but we will not encourage it. Therefore, we will continue to provide answers that reflect generally accepted standards of propriety.

For me personally I find that asking for money is a bit rude.
BUT then everyone is different and we don't winge and mopan if somenone has a registry and asks for hideous gifts, there is never a big cry about gifts and what to give,but when it comes to money we seem to feel one way or another.
The only thing I am going to say on this subject is: You know your own friends and family, you know your area of the worlda nd what is common there, you know what you want or need, and you know how you feel about it, if someone coming to your event doesn't feel comfortable giving money then they can give a gift or nothing (but like risacreevs said I would not attend a wedding without a gift, and I am an Australian, so it isn't just an American custom), the choice of what YOU give as a gift is up to YOU, the choice of how much you spend is up to YOU and YOUR budget. No one else has a say in it, not here or anywhere.
The moderators on here have to be so careful as they are trying to just give the answers that the ettiquette books give, what is considered safe , and they are dealing with ALL cultures, religions, countries, economic groups and types of people and they are just trying to do the right thing by us all.

Sharon

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

This last post hits the nail on the head, so to speak. Money is given as a gift because the giver chooses to give it, not because it was actively solicited. If guests know the bride and groom very well, they will understand the couple's needs or they can ask. The overt solicitation of money from guests is what creates a problem and offends many people.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

It is never necessary to bring a gift if you are unable to do so. However, taking a card would be considerate. You might also give the couple a gift certificate to a restaurant.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

The small cards that are handed out by the stores where couples register are a marketing ploy of the stores. The hope is that if the couple distribute the cards, the stores' sales will increase. Sales will increase just as much if the bride and groom verbally tell guests who inquire where they are registered. It is also acceptable in most areas of the country for a shower hostess to include the cards in a shower invitation, since the information is not coming from the bride and groom. Those who are invited to the shower then know where the couple is registered and can also purchase the wedding gift.

Joined: 26 Mar 2006 Posts: 2

Joined: 26 Mar 2006 Posts: 2

I have been reading all of the information on etiquette and I am split. I know that it is rude to ask for money directly from the bride and groom, however, I also think it’s rude for someone to give me something to put in my small NYC apt that I did not ask for and cannot fit into my home. We are saving for a house and before we need things to put in the house, we need the house. Sorry, but it’s true. I mean really people, what is so bad about that? No one “has” to give us a gift, but if they do, shouldn’t it be something that we can really use? What is so wrong with giving money? I always give money to a couple even if they are registered because I know how hard it is when you are just starting out. I also do not see anything wrong with registering for a honeymoon or mortgage (www.suntrust.com). When you have 300 guests and they all want to get you a gift, living in a small apt. (500 sqt ft) it could be tough. It’s not like a birthday party with 20 close friends when you could just accept the gift and smile even it it’s not something that you would pick out for yourself, or have space for but none the less it’s a gift from a friend and you accept it. But when you are getting married, there are way too many gifts to just accept…especially when you don’t need them. If money is what the couple needs, then that’s what they need. I mean really, what do you really think the money will be spent on (Drugs, prostitutes, gambling???…what do you think of this couple anyway—these people who think like this shouldn’t even be invited in my book)??? And why do you care! If you are giving out of love, give them what then need. If they are being honest and telling you it’s money, then don’t be offended hearing the truth. Will I ask for it on my wedding invitations – no because my guests do not need to bring me a gift, just themselves and a good attitude will be suffice, however, if they "ask" me what do I need, if I am being honest with them…the answer will be money. I cannot give my bank a toaster or blender towards the down payment of my house.
I hope people reading this understand where I am coming from. Although, I do not expect a gift from our guests (due to unfortunate terminal health issues, we are having a speedy wedding and are only giving guests one month notice whereas originally we were getting married in October 2006), it is customary for guests to want to give the couple a gift as support. I always do—I wouldn’t even think about going to a wedding and not giving a gift, so my point is what is so wrong about saying yes to money if someone asks? As far as the money tree concept goes, it’s not something I would do, but I would not look down at someone who did. It’s just not my thing, it goes into asking for it when you haven’t been asked the question.

Thanks,