Foreverwed.com ~ View topic - Inviting to the Ceremony but not reception, proper etiquette

Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 618

Is it proper to invite people to the ceremony and not the reception. When I say people, I mean co-workers, casual friends, old high school buddies or college friends - all in town guests. We are having a nice reception and can't afford to invite everyone that we want. But we will still like them to be a part of the wedding, which is at a large church and can hold plenty of people. How can we go about doing this, or should we not invite them at all (although we really want to)? One option we have is to not put the reception card in their invitation, but should we tell them something, like, due to blah blah we were unable to invite all of our guests to the reception, but we would still love for you to attend the ceremony. Or what should we say? HELP!!

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FRC

Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 618

According to etiquette, everyone who attends the ceremony should be invited to the reception. It is acceptable to have a small ceremony and a large reception, but not the other way around. One way to handle the problem is to have a cake and punch reception at the church immediately following the ceremony for all of the guests followed by a private reception for close friends and family. However, there will still be some who will be offended when they learn that they were not included at the second reception.

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Glenna Tooman, Wedding Expert, ForeverWed.com
Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC
http://www.memorable-events.com

Joined: 22 Jul 2002 Posts: 6

How would you like to know you aren't invited to the reception? Good enuff to get to come to the ceremony, but not good enuff to come to the reception. Tacky, tacky, tacky.
This, to me, is unforgivable.
Shocked

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

Allowing the pastor to make an announcement that the reception is private for family and close friends is occasionally done in smaller communities and close-knit church congregations, but I wouldn't try it anywhere else. Its still a breach of etiquette no matter who or how the announcement is made. An invitation to the ceremony implies the need to bring a gift. When one is invited only to the ceremony, the impression is given that the individuals were only invited for the gift and you don't want to spend money on them in return.

Its really better to limit the ceremony and reception only to those that you can afford to accommodate rather than risk offending people.

Glenna Tooman, ForeverWed.com Wedding Consultant

Joined: 20 Jun 2003 Posts: 2

It's your wedding.
If friends don't understand, then they are not really friends.
However, if you invite someone that will talk with someone that is not invited that could be tricky.
There is no reason to invite to the reception, people that you have not heard from for a long time.

As far as 'etiquette', who made these rules!! there not the ten commandments.

Too much stress it put on the couples, especially when they are paying for the wedding themselves. Maybe back when women had no say, and marriages where arranged and parents controled the wedding plans this was then PROPER.

No one should feel they should spend extra money to fit the 'etiquette', weddings are not about scoring points, obligations, or comparing to other weddings.

Remember you are getting married for yourselves and not others. Friends and Families are invited to share the couples' joy.

I am sure that you will NOt have to issue formal invites to a ceremony as people find out maturally or ask, I mean in a work cituation how many times do you get asked when are you getting married and about your plans, if you were to casually bring up your time and place in this cituation then if they wish to attend then FINE and if they don't then FINE, I mean they (co-workers etc) tend to hear through the grape vine anyway and if it is know that you are having a small weeding with only CLOSE friends and family then NO noses should be put out (as long as you don't choose some co-works who are NOT close friends and then NOT choos others, with NO real rhyme or reason to it (that they can see, except that you don't like them).
I have attended the ceremonies of friends when I haven't been invited because I was HAPPY to see them get married and congratulated the bride and groom after the ceremony before they left the church/venue and then I either went homeor went out to dinner with other friends etc who only attended the ceremony (THAT WE CHOSE TO GO TO).
That is my 2 cents worth any way.
Sharon

Joined: 03 Dec 2003 Posts: 78 Location: Bellevue, WA

How can a bride and groom see people come from far away to attend their wedding, and not even be willing to put on a party for them??? (Note: You don't have to have dinner. It can be a lower-food party) IMHO if you can't afford to feed them all, DON'T have dinner, or DON'T invite them to the ceremony.

OF course you can do what you want, but it really is bad manners to invite to the ceremony and not the party afterward.

Buzz I find the way you have written this a bit uneasy and offensive.

Joined: 10 Feb 2004 Posts: 1

Quite simply, if you don't have the money to invite them to the reception, then do not invite them.

Having a small intimate affair is fine, acceptable and understandable. Inviting folks to your ceremony and not to your reception is NOT.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

Your situation is a difficult one. From an etiquette perspective, your parents are not responsible for paying for any more guests than they choose to. If your MIL wants to invite so many people, she should offer to help with the costs of the reception.

What you are planning to do, with the larger "official" reception followed by a later time for family and friends is an excellent way to handle the situation. You fulfill your social obligations by having the reception following the ceremony. Whatever you choose to do after that is a personal matter. It is a good idea, however, to not call the second get-together a reception but rather a family dinner. That way, no one can complain that they were excluded from a reception.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

If you can't afford to invite all of your ceremony guests to the reception, rather than offend them, it would be better to have a smaller ceremony and reception then send out announcements after the wedding to those that you were not able to invite. I would disagree that a person isn't being a friend if they don't understand that they have been excluded when others have been included. It gives the impression that the hosts are the ones who are not true friends.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

The cookies and punch reception at the church will be fine as long as everyone who attends the ceremony is included. What you do after that time is up to you and is considered post-wedding activities. You should serve the wedding cake, if you are having one, at the church reception, since that is the "official" reception for all of the guests. You can spend your time greeting guests and mingling. Then, when you are ready to leave, plan some type of exit, whether by having guests line up as you go through the line to your get-away car or have them blow bubbles or whatever you choose. Your exit signals the end of the reception and the official end to the wedding activities. You have thus fulfilled your social obligations by entertaining all of your guests in exchange for their time and efforts to come to the wedding.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

What your father has suggested is the socially acceptable way to include everyone at a reception while not including all of the guests at the post-reception festivities. The response directly above your post explains the procedure for having both an "official" reception and a later party, which is not referred to as a reception. If your parents host the post-reception party, then they choose who attends and who doesn't.

From an etiquette perspective, your fiance's friends have no reason to assume that they will be invited to the wedding unless or until they actually receive an invitation. If you were to decide that you wanted to have a small wedding with only family and very close friends, that is your choice and no one should complain about not being invited.

It could create problems in your relationship with your fiance if you invite your friends but don't allow his to be invited as well. Therefore, you will need to draw the line somewhere and decide just how close the friends should be to be included in all activities.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

In your situation, it would be best not to initiate an invitation to all of the teachers to attend the ceremony. Instead, just as you did with the one teacher, handle each situation individually. Technically, it is bad manners for someone to invite themselves to someone else's event when they didn't receive an invitation. Most people understand it if you choose to have a smaller wedding and they understand when they are not invited.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

As you discovered, inviting guests to the ceremony and not the reception is considered a major breach of manners and people react strongly. Though some people will understand, others won't and friendships can be ruined. When people feel as if they are being treated as "second class friends," they respond by ending the friendship. It is better to scale back and invite fewer guests to the ceremony if you can't also invite them to the reception.