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Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 618

I have a bridesmaid who doesn't ever seem to be home when I call her. Not only that, but we haven't been able to get a hold of her to help with any of the work. When I finally did get a hold of her to tell her that I was picking her up for dress shopping the next day, she agreed to be home at the said time; but when I got to her house the next day, she wasn't home! I had to compromise on my colors while shopping with my other bridesmaid, so my color had to change. When I asked the bridesmaid who was MIA that day, she said she had gone to get her dress herself, but she chose the color I had to change from. She never called to even tell me she was going to do that! She meant well, but she should have called. I just want to know how to break it to her gently and without hurting her feelings that she needs to get with the program or not be a bridesmaid.

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Michele

Site Admin Joined: 07 Jun 2002 Posts: 618

I'm sorry that you are having such difficulty with this person. She sounds like she may be too busy to take the time to shop with several others and be involved in all the ways that you would like her to be. Perhaps if you invite her out to lunch, just the two of you, you can talk with her about the situation.

You might begin by telling her about your plans; tell her how much you are counting on her help in specific areas, then ask her to tell you exactly how much she is able to be involved. It might be a good idea to set your joint calendars at that time also. Give her specific dates and times that activities are planned. Be sure to include the rehearsal time and any other absolutely important dates.

If she seems reluctant to commit to the time, you can then tactfully ask her if she would rather participate in the wedding in some manner other than being a brides' maid. She could be a candle lighter, do a reading, supervise the guest book table or something else. She could still wear the dress that she has and participate in another capacity. She may be grateful to be able to take a lesser role. Good luck in working this out.

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Glenna Tooman, Wedding Expert, ForeverWed.com
Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC
http://www.memorable-events.com

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

You are right in thinking that the bride has overstepped her role. The bride is a guest at the shower, not the host. The hosts should set a date that fits their schedules and clear it with the bride to be certain that she can be there. They can ask her for in-put on the guest list, but they can set the limit of how many peopel will be invited based on the amount of available space and their budgets. They also get to decide on the location for the shower and what activities will occur, as well as what food will be served. This is a time for the bride to relax and enjoy being a guest rather than worrying about the details.

Joined: 21 Jul 2003 Posts: 50 Location: Irving, TX

These ladies are important and special to you. You should be able to address them with your concerns, especially the maid/matron of honor. State your concern and suggest that she pick up the slack. You, as the bride, have enough last minute details without having to babysit one of your bridal party. She should be setting the example for the rest. I know this may sound harsh to some, but she should shape up or ship out. If these ladies truly care about you and your marriage, they will get into form quickly, if not, you know now and can make adjustments to your programs as necessary.

IF these woman are your friends, and I am guessing this is so or you would NOT ask them to stand with you during your wedding, then you should be able to talk to the seriously. you need to tell them all what you expect, and how they are making you feel by bad moputhing you, not making any efforts etc.
I mean being asked to stand with a bride during the biggest day of her life is an honor NOT a burden.
with #1 who has been bad mouthing you, you are so much better off without HER making you r life and weeding plans hell, #2 sit her down and tell her that you need her to be there for the wedding related dates and such and need to attend these appointments for dress shopping and helping out, as she made the commitment to do so, if she now thinks she is unable to do so, then she needs to tell you now that she can no longer be a part of your wedding, #3 It is just plain RUDE of her to suddenly put her wedding before yours when she new when your date was, Unless ther is real reason why her weding needs to be then (like her partner is being deployed overseas with the defence force etc) then I think there is no real excuse and she seem to just want to have the attention on her and off you, especially as she has the same bridal party members (or some of the same), #4 you have to forgive her for being a bit of a flake, maybe she is finding being newly married hard, or maybe there are some issues at home and all of her attention is on this, how about having lunch with her and asking her how newly married life is and how everything is at home, as top bailing out at the last minute (are you sure they (her and her husband aren't trying to conceive or anything like that, not that that is an excuse) but how about telling her how it makes you feel when she just bails out on you.
For you, take things easy and RELAX I know things are hard and exciting and scary but you need to relax and talk to these women and tell them how you feel and how you feel about the way they are treating you.
Good Luck
Sharon

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

Have you objectively considered the amount of time that you are asking your bridesmaids to devote to your wedding, particularly when there is another wedding three months before yours? Are you hoping that all of them will be available at the same time for some activities? Some brides feel that their attendants should be available whenever needed at the bride's discretion. Others opt to use a more relaxed strategy and work with each bridesmaid individually, according to the bridesmaid's schedule, as well as the bride's. I am not saying that you may be asking for a greater time commitment that some of the ladies can offer, but is that a possibility? If it is, then you will need to decide whether the friendships mean more to you than everyone being at the same place at the same time. Friendships take lots of work and weddings take lots of work. Combining the two can be a strain on relationships, but it can be done.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Jun 2002 Posts: 1174

If she has decided not to help with planning the shower or the costs, and she gave you advance warning, as she did, then she is not responsible for paying. If she had waited until the day of the shower and had participated in the planning and her name appeared on the invitations, then refused to pay, that would be a different issue.

Bridesmaids are not obligated to host a shower; anyone other than the mothers of the bride and groom can be a host. Therefore, the fact that the bridesmaid is no longer a bridesmaid is not a reason in and of itself for her to choose not to help with the shower. It sounds as if there may be something going on in the person's life that is causing her to step back from the wedding (perhaps financial problems) and that is her decision.