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Manners, Etiquette, Acceptable Social Practice -- and Good
Judgment
Sara L. Ambarian, Newsletter Editor and Staff Expert,
ForeverWed.com
Of all the questions we receive here at ForeverWed, etiquette
questions are some of the most common-- and etiquette issues
are among the most hotly-debated both on our forums and in the
homes of engaged couples.
Fellow ForeverWed.com staff expert, Glenna Tooman, and I were
discussing this subject just the other day. She had recently
read an article in which etiquette expert Miss Manners
compared the meanings of manners and
etiquette. Miss Manners wrote that manners are the civilized
behavior used by humans in their relationships with one
another; etiquette is the generally accepted manners within a
particular society. According to Miss Manners, manners never
change, but etiquette evolves as society
changes.
Glenna and I agree with this interpretation. Etiquette is an
interpretation of acceptable social practice-- a guideline
used to help people behave courteously, especially in
unfamiliar circumstances. And as that, etiquette is a very
useful tool.
The problem is that for some people, etiquette seems like a
maze of arbitrary do's and don'ts which make no sense and
cause them worry and stress. For others, the limits of
etiquette are sometimes the "go sign" for rationalizing
actions and decisions which they know *in their case*
will be offensive to some guests-- but since "it's
etiquette"... they feel justified in going ahead.
Neither of these scenarios is the intended reaction to
etiquette guidelines. The missing piece in many cases is good
judgment.
"Acceptable social practice" varies considerably in different
countries, different cultures, different regions of the United
States and other individual countries, different types of
social or business situation, and even within specific social
circles, families or churches. Our experiences, interactions
and expectations shape our perception of manners. So blindly
following etiquette standards doesn't necessarily
equal a mannerly event.
In general, I find, however, that couples and families who
place *gracious hosting* as a priority in their wedding plans,
seldom offend their guests or loved ones.
So, my basic advice to all couples and their families is to
not get caught up in the "rules" of etiquette, but to instead
try to look at the *origins and purpose* of the guidelines
which impact your circumstances. I maintain the opinion
that etiquette is a somewhat subjective science-- and
thoughtfulness to guests and loved ones and common sense about
your specific situation is often the most important part of
the formula.
For more information:
Below is a link to a very fine article on the importance of
etiquette in daily life. The source may seem unusual to cite
in a wedding newsletter, since it is from a martial arts
website. However, respect and appropriate behavior is a
cornerstone of those studies.
In this article, I love what Mr. Pranin has to say about the
importance of etiquette and respect between intimates-- family
members and spouses. I think he effectively wades past the
"irrational should" perception that some people have of basic
etiquette, and illustrates its heart and
usefulness.
http://www.aikidojournal.com/articles/_a
rticle.asp?ArticleID=966
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Manners, Etiquette, Acceptable Social
Practice - and Good Judgment |
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