Right now the concept of married life might seem a bit frightening. You're worried about losing your freedom and independence. You might be concerned about the responsibility involved, or the quality of your future sexual relationship. It bothers you that you disagree about many things-or that you cannot tell her your deepest thoughts and feelings. It's good that you're concerned. That means that you're thinking, and that you're not foolish enough to believe that love will conquer all other problems.

It takes work, communication, support; compatible goals, trust, and compromise to make a marriage succeed. And you might be surprised to find how little you really know each other. Take time now to discuss your ideas and expectations. It will be a giant step towards starting your marriage off on the right track.

Married life can be quite different from the time you spend together today. The never-ending drudgery of going to work, paying bills, and fixing meals will eventually rub some of the glow off your relationship. When people live together and share decisions and the toothpaste, little irritations can rise and compound. If not checked, they can .turn into major problems.

Here are some questions to ask yourself or your fiancée. Some are just for fun, others are about key items that could affect your future together. There are no 'right' or 'wrong' answers. You don't have to agree on everything- you never will. The whole point of the exercise is to start talking and thinking about these issues. To listen, understand, and respect each other's ideas and opinions. It's much better to discuss that now, than to start your marriage with too many false expectations.

How Well Do You Know Her?

• What was she nicknamed as a child?
• What's her favorite dessert?
• What's her least favorite vegetable?
• What's her favorite color?
• Where would she like to go on vacation?
• What's the first thing she'd buy if she won a million dollars?
• What's her dream car?

What Will Married

• How do you picture your married life together? [Pick one]

Life Be Like?

• A happy round of parties and friends.
• Quiet evenings at home.
• Family visits every weekend
• We'll spend all our free time together.
• The same as it is now.

Unless you checked the last box

• how do your expectations compare to your current time together?
• Most importantly, how closely do your fiancée's expectations match your own?

Why Are You Getting Married?

• To spend more time together.
• Companionship-to avoid loneliness
• To improve our relationship.
• To make someone happy.
• I can't afford to live alone.
• To help my career .
• I want children.
• Love.
                                            

Obviously, more than one will apply. The key is that you recognize your primary reasons. Are they strong enough to maintain a lasting relationship?

What Three Things Do You Consider Most Essential In A Wife?

• Sense of humor
• Financial security
• Respect
• Trustworthiness
• Affection
• Good sexual relationship
• Good companion
• Sensitivity to my moods/feelings
• Best friend
• Similar goals

How Do You See The Future?

What's the biggest adjustment you'll face after the wedding?

List the five things you like best about your bride-to-be:

List the five things you like least about her:

When you think about your life together, what worries you the most?
How do you picture your lives ten years from now?
Having Fun How do you like to spend your free time?
Do you expect her to join in or share your hobbies?
How much of your free time will you spend together?

• All
• Most
• Some
• Very little

How much time will your spouse spend with friends or pursuing other interests before you consider it excessive?
How does your answer compare to hers?
Will your social life be more or less active than it is now?
In what way?
How do you want to spend your vacations?
How do these compare with her ideas?
How do you feel about separate vacations?
How important will family gatherings and outings be?

• Very important
• Somewhat important
• Not at all important
• Important to me but not her
• Important to her but not me
• Not applicable

If your attitudes conflict, what compromise have you made?

Finances

Do you expect to share your bank accounts, savings, and investments? Payment of your debts?
Do you worry about her attitude toward money?
Have you talked about it?
How will the money be divided or handled?
Which purchases will you talk about ahead of time?

• All
• Only expensive ones
• Only for appliances, furniture
• We'll each spend as we please

How does her attitude compare with yours?
How do you feel about credit card spending?
Is her attitude the same?
Is it important to you that bills are paid punctually?
Does she share the same attitude?
Who will make investment decisions?
Handle the taxes?
What percentage of income should be donated to charity?
Will you have a budget?
Do either of you bounce checks often?
Do you think it's important to save a part of your salary?
Does she?
 

What are your financial priorities? Do you have certain goals you're aiming for? What are they?
 

Do her goals agree?
 

Life At Home
 

How will household chores be divided? 

• Cleaning
• Cooking
• Laundry
• Shopping
• Bill-paying
• Errand running
• Banking

Most importantly, what does she think the division of chores will be?
What type of meals do you like to eat?
How often will you eat out in restaurants?
Have fast food (pizza, McDonalds)?
 

Children

Do you both want children?
Do you agree when you'll start a family?
If one of you doesn't want children, can the other accept that decision? - What if one of you changes your mind?
How many children should you have?
Will she continue working after they're born?
Who will be the most responsible for their day to day care?
What child-rearing responsibilities are you willing to take on?
Would you ever consider-

• Adoption
• Abortion
• Artificial insemination
• Sterilization

How do her opinions match yours?
Have you discussed the use of contraception?
Do you agree on how and when?
 

Family Ties
 

How does your family feel about your bride to be?
Your marriage plans?
Do you get along with her family?
If either family objects to your marriage, what's their reason?
Could it be a valid concern?
How do you feel about accepting financial help from family me
Supplying financial help to family members?
o you expect to exchange visits often? How often.
How will you spend holidays?
Are your family holiday practices similar to hers?
How would you feel about your in-laws living with you?
Do you expect family or friends to phone ahead before they visit?

Future Plans

What are your three most important future goals?

Do you hope to buy a home?
What kind?
Do you hope to travel a great deal? What are your career goals?
Do you understand, accept, and support each other's goals?
Whose career will have priority for transfers? Will either of you further your education?
Do you want to live in the city, country, or suburbs?
Will you eventually become active in civic or other organizations?
How do you feel about your wife pursuing such activities? What's more important a fulfilling career or a high-paying one.
How do you feel about putting in extra, unpaid hours to get ahead. About her doing the same?
Traveling out of town overnight?
About her doing the same?
Have you discussed these matters? How does she feel?

Religion

Does your future spouse share your religious beliefs?
If they conflict, have you discussed the matter?
Will you attend religious services regularly?  
Will your spouse attend with you?  
Will you or she become actively involved in church activities?  
Will you observe the customs of faith in your home? 
If it's an inter-faith marriage, how will you resolve conflicts?
How will the children be raised?  
Will your children be sent to religious affiliated schools?  
Do you believe in tithing?
Communication Can you honestly talk to one another about your thoughts and feelings?
- If not-why?

When you disagree do you-

• scream and yell
• withdraw
• not speak
• talk it out
• ignore the problem and hope it will go away

Do you feel that you should have a greater say in matters or the final word? 
Does she agree?  Do you believe she listens to you and is trying to understand you?  Do you do the same for her? Does she agree with your analysis? What subjects do you argue about the most (besides the wedding plans)? -  Do you think these problems will eventually be resolved?  How?  If not, can you live with that?

Sex

Are you each comfortable talking about sex?  Do you have the same feelings about fidelity?  Would you be willing to obtain help if there was a problem? Do you feel that you're totally responsible for pleasing her, she's totally responsible for pleasing you.  Would you have sex if you weren't in th<! mood?  Do you expect her to have sex if she's not in the mood? Do you feel that sex is proper only at a certain time or place? Does she agree?  Do you expect your sex life to be occasionally experimental?  Does she?

Are You Ready For Marriage

What scares you the most about marriage?

• Loss of freedom
• More responsibility
• That it won't work
• Having children
• Financial problems

Do you believe that you're mature enough for marriage? -Is she?  Do you expect her to change?  In what way? Is that realistic/probable?  Does she know? Do you have a stable job? Does he? Do you make enough to live comfortably?

It takes work and effort to create a good marriage. You must give each other space to grow, develop interests together, and never stop listening andexpressing thoughts, ideas, problems, and feelings. Resolve disagreements when you can, and try for compromise (or at least understanding) when you can't.

Don't spend too much time comparing your relationship to others. No two marriages are alike, and there are no 'rules' that will guarantee a happy life together. Every relationship has its good and bad side, and you'll never know the whole picture of anyone else's situation.

Marriage is a state of interdependence, not dependence. You're not yourself, you're adding another person to your life. You and your bride will make your own future. Your life together is an empty slate right now, it will slowly grow and evolve into one that you can live with

When should I ask them to be my attendants?