Think about it. In ancient times, and today in most households worldwide, women provide the backbone of support for the family—spiritual fortification, childrearing and often significant financial contributions. From the time that they’ve grown tall enough to reach their little hands over the sink, they’ve been washing dishes and helping Mama to manage the household duties. That’s not to say that the males in the family haven’t done their fair share. They do and have been so doing for generations. But no one can honestly deny the pivotal role that females have in the home—even when the home is a contemporary one. Which brings us back to the genesis of the "bride price."

Back in the day, our ancestors’ families understood the tremendous value that young women had in their own family homes. Depending upon a female’s birth order, she had varying degrees of responsibility; but in all cases she had to work, which meant cleaning, mending, cooking, taking care of younger siblings and otherwise helping to keep the house in order. Now, enter a potential husband. Here comes a young man with the intentions of marrying this significant participant in a family unit, which, in turn, would remove her from the family homestead. From a bottom line point of view, the loss of the female to the home means a tremendous value loss in terms of resources, work and potential money for the family. In other words, losing the young woman to her new husband also means losing what amounts to dollars and cents for the family. And that‘s real.

Now many Sisters may acknowledge that this may be true: her loss means value lost by the family. But come on! Since when are we looking at ourselves as a piece of property to be essentially bought and sold? We aren’t. And, although it can be reasonably argued that some parents from the "old school" were looking at their daughters as property, there is another variable to keep in mind: the Brother’s intentions. Parents the world over really have a bottom-line concern when it comes to their daughters, in particular. They want to protect them to the best of their ability as they also provide for them and their needs. When it comes to protection, that can sometimes mean being a shield between them and a man who does not have good intentions, or at least not good enough in their eyes.

I often marvel at how clever our ancestors were. They built insurance policies into so many aspects of daily living. The marriage ritual was one of them. In traditional African cultures, a man had to prove his love and commitment to a woman by paying respect to her and her family. That meant taking the time to get to know the entire family of the young woman, as well as bearing the requisite gifts to demonstrate his degree of sincerity and commitment to the union. The standards of the community and the family’s economic status and lifestyle determined the stakes. Generally, the bride price included a pre-determined number of cattle, bolts of fabric equal to a year’s worth of clothing for the wife, a specified amount of money to be given to the parents, and an offering of clear homemade or imported liquor to be shared by the men to salute the upcoming union. In order to collect all of the above, a young man generally had to pool his resources with his family. It took a lot of work and time, both of which are sobering for someone who believes he’s in love.

A contemporary Zimbabwean film, entitled Fit, illustrates just how effective the use of a bride price can be. In this comedy, a community is depicted in which there is a young beautiful woman who catches every man’s eye. She is being "courted" by a slick man with a pocket full of cash. Another man, a hard-working bike messenger, is bitten by the love bug and wants nothing other than to marry this woman. The pursuit that ensues is managed by Dear Old Dad, who creates a hefty lobola that has to be met using contemporary means of exchange, i.e., a fancy new stereo system and $500 cash.

For the young suitor, such a price is steep and requires diligent and creative work on his part to meet the responsibility. When a $4500 refrigerator is added to the lobola, the price seems nearly impossible. Love and conviction together push the young man on, until finally he fulfills his goal. The messenger works to meet the tough demands, while the other throws cash on the table. What ultimately happens is that the young woman if able to see devotion at work. Both she and her father believe in the integrity and genuine interest of the messenger when the decision has to be made.

Now, you may ask, "What does this have to do with me?" I like to look at our historical practices to discover their merit in contemporary times. When it comes to the traditional use of bride price, I (a moderate feminist) actually do believe in its value, to a certain degree. I believe that anything that will slow a couple down so that they think long and hard about getting married before they pledge their lives to one another can be a good thing. Everyone who is or who has been married will tell you that marriage isn’t easy. Building a life with a partner—for life—means that you must commit to working at your life together.

Getting whisked off your feet isn’t the best way to walk into a lifetime commitment. Further, being whisked away from your family without offering respect for what they have done to guide you isn’t showing respect. In the traditional sense, reintroducing the practice of offering a "bride price" may be a reasonable pursuit for a couple who plan to marry, to help them to look at their commitment and their familial respect. In contemporary African society, however, I’m told that many families often shy away from the practice because it has been taken out of context and exaggerated to ridiculous measure. In other words, some families are getting downright greedy and breaking a young man’s bank rather than helping to fortify a budding union.

So, how might this tradition be incorporated in marriages today? Conceptually, the offering of gifts of love to one’s family at such a turning point makes sense. Why not expand upon the tradition and work together as a couple to present gifts to both of your families? After all, you likely are grateful for all of the love and support that your fiancé’s parents and family have showered upon him during his childhood and evolving adulthood. Likewise, he must also be filled with gratitude for all that your family has contributed to help you become the person you are today.

As the preparations ensue, do yourselves and your families a favor and take time out for them. Your "lobola" offering can be something of great value—although not necessarily of great expenses—that signifies your love and respect for your families and that will remind them of your love in the years to come. Consider an engraved crystal bowl or other vessel that can be used to pour a libation to the ancestors at your wedding. A handmade quilt that has love-stitched wording expressing your devotion or a more traditional variation of the ancient ways, such as a combination of gifts for each family homestead and cash, may be your choices. Get creative. You will be surprised at how much fun it can be—and how gratifying for you to honor your families in this historic way.

Much love.

Editorial Note: Excerpted from Signature Bride Magazine, Spring 1998 issue. Copyright 1998. Reprinted with permission from Signature Bride Magazine.