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Dismissing a bridesmaid or other
attendant
Written by
Julia Burgess Julia Burgess
Birmingham, AL
A big part of your wedding day is the
friends that help you through the planning – the wedding party. These
special friends, sisters, or relatives that you chose should be more
than willing to help you but excited for you also. In all reality, you
maid of honor and bridesmaids are suppose to help and support you, not
cause you grief.
Your maid of honor has many duties and responsibilities that pertain
to her title and role in the wedding. So, also, do your bridesmaids
but their lists are not as lengthy. The bride has an established
relationship with the people she chose for her bridal party, that is
why they got the special part! Sometimes this special role is exactly
what the bridesmaid(s) or maid of honor does not want, but might
accept anyhow. Let me explain first hand. Almost every bride will have
trouble with one or more of their attendants.
When I first got engaged I was very excited to let my friends and
soon-to-be attendants know about the big news. Well, to my dismay all
my girls were excited and gladly accepted my invitation to be a
bridesmaid in my wedding, except the one that I wanted for my maid of
honor. I let her attitude slide and still asked her to be my maid of
honor anyhow. She accepted and that is where it went down hill.
In this circumstance, I could not go about the just way to
demote/dismiss my maid of honor. One would think that you would need
to sit her down and tell her what the problem is. Well, if this is
your first though then you are right. But what if your maid of honor
does not return her voice mail, emails, you never see her [because she
is out of town], or her phone line is always busy? The number one
thing to do in this situation is write her a snail mail letter. I do
admit that this is not the best way, nor did I like doing it, but it
was the only alternative. She then finally emailed me a nasty little
email. I do not understand why, but that is the problem with email or
letters, you cannot see the author’s emotion. At this time, I realized
that she really did not want to help me out because she was full of
excuses and our schedules conflicted, so I did what I thought was the
best thing to do. Of course, at the time it was nerve racking, but I
do not regret asking her to step down. I actually asked my friend, who
took on more responsibility in the beginning and showed more
enthusiasm, to move up.
The second way to go about dismissing a bridesmaid is the common sense
approach that I mentioned above: sit her down and talk with her face
to face. Tell her what is on your mind, and brace yourself. She might
understand or she might take it personally. A true friend will
understand why you are doing what you are doing. I suggest that you
first ask her if there is anything on her mind that might be hindering
her from her duties as a bridesmaid or maid of honor. Then secondly,
give her a “way out”. What I mean by that is simply say something
like, “[I understand a lot has been going on in your life now but] if
you needed to step down as my bridesmaid/maid of honor then I will
completely understand, and I would not be mad at you for your
decision.” Then if this approach fails, like in my circumstance, then
this is where the hard part comes in, actually telling her straight
out. Again, this is a good time to brace your self. Making a big
decision like this takes some time and planning. Also, it makes your
life a whole lot easier. Just make sure that you have a back-up
bridesmaid if you want to keep your attendants even
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