Who is this person you've married?
submitted by Jeff Herring
                                                                             
"When we marry, we don't marry one person, we marry three. The person we think they are, the person they really are and the person they will become as a result of marrying us.''

This quote has much to say about the process of intimacy and marriage. Let's take a closer look at each of the three people we marry.

THE PERSON WE THINK THEY ARE

When we're getting to know someone and becoming increasingly familiar, we tend to try to look and behave our best. Over time, especially after marriage, we seem to relax the rules a little more.

Many people in premarital counseling wonder, at some level, ``Who is this person really? What will they be like later?'' As Bruce Springsteen put it in the song ``Brilliant Disguise:''

``Now tell me what I see,

When I look in your eyes.

Is that you, baby,

Or just a brilliant disguise?''

THE PERSON THEY REALLY ARE

Things are different after marriage. Even people who have lived together for years before marriage tend to report everything simply ``feeling different'' after marriage. What happens? Perhaps it has to do with the models for
marriage, intimacy and closeness we had growing up.

We all bring our own issues, both resolved and unresolved, to all of our relationships, most particularly marriage.

When quarreling with your partner, do you catch yourself saying things you heard your parents say? Do you ever catch yourself saying things even you don't believe, just to win the argument? These are all signs that old and unresolved issues are popping up.

When we marry someone, we simply marry the unresolved issues as well. For better or for worse, it's a package deal.

THE PERSON THEY WILL BECOME

This is the part of the quote that seems to impact most of the people in the seminars I do. Most of us have thought only about the effect our partner is having on us. But what about the influence we are having on our partner?

Many quarreling couples are very quick to place blame. ``If only you would do X, then I wouldn't have to do Y.''

In most cases, people tend to be caught in a loop or cycle that is damaging not only to each other, but to the relationship as well. In the cycle, it's often difficult to tell exactly where it got started, but not that it has
taken on a life of its own and is damaging to all involved.

It's like the story of the farmer and the Indian. The farmer lived down in the valley and would judge how harsh the coming winter would be _ and therefore
how much hay he and his son had to store in the barn _ by how much firewood the Indian on the hill would collect. One year, as summer turned into fall, the farmer began to load his barn with hay. He looked up on the mountain and
saw the Indian had collected more wood. So he loaded more hay into the barn. A few days later, he noticed the Indian had collected more wood. So he loaded his barn with more hay. A few days later, he saw that the Indian had collected more wood than ever before. (Those of you who have been married a while might see where this is going.)

So he and his son loaded even more hay into the barn. After they were done, the exhausted son traveled up the mountain to speak with the Indian. He asked, "Please, tell me, why are you collecting so much wood? Are you expecting a very hard winter?'' The Indian replied, "Of course it will be a hard winter.  The man in the valley keeps loading more hay into his barn than ever before.''

Such are the cycles of marital conflict. Each person makes their contributions, and each person responds emotionally to the other person's contributions, and we're off to the races.

If you find yourself caught up in one of these cycles, how do you get out? Here's a brief list of things to consider and actions to take:

What kind of person are you helping you spouse to become?

What "farmer-Indian'' cycles are you caught in?

What are your contributions to the cycle?

Use your creativity to change farmer-Indian cycles. For example, one couple I worked with described their quarreling cycles as if each has a sword and shield with which to defend themselves and wound each other. So they went to the toy store, bought two sets of play sword and shields and stuck them in the closet. Whenever a disagreement would begin to escalate, one of them would run to the closet and get the sword and shield. They would then break into laughter, the cycle was changed, and they were able to work things out in a different manner.

If the previous ideas don't prove useful, seek professional assistance.

(Jeff Herring is a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical hypnotherapist. )

 

 
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