Love
And Money
by Joe Bavonese, PhD
One of the topics
that frequently comes up in couples' therapy is
conflicts concerning money.
This is usually even more of an issue right before the
holidays, when couples may be deciding whether to create
large credit card balances from holiday shopping sprees.
Early in a relationship, couples will often
unconsciously choose roles to play around money:
One person is the spontaneous child and the other is a
critical parent.
In this situation, there is typically no firm budget
set, and the "child" part of the couple either spends
much more than the "parent" wants, or the "child" part
whines and begs constantly that they need more money to
buy something.
The "parent" part of the couple wants to please his or
her partner, and reluctantly gives permission for the
purchase, even though they may resent it.
This pattern is dangerous to the long-term health of the
relationship because it is a guaranteed set-up for more
anger, resentment, and distance in the future.
Both people quickly tire of their roles. The "child"
person hates to have to ask, and the "parent" person
hates to say no. Often each is unconsciously acting out
emotional issues from their families of origins and
re-creating a dysfunction outcome in the relationship.
If you notice that you and your partner are displaying
this pattern in dealing with money, try the following
suggestions which have been shown to be very helpful for
couples:
Make a budget together, including allowances for gifts,
going out and other fun activities. You may need to
track all expenses for a month or two to do this
accurately;
Create a system whereby it is the budget which gives
'permission' for purchases, automatically and
mechanically, without impulsivity or emotion playing a
role;
Review the budget monthly to see how it is working for
both of you.
By consciously choosing to deal with money in an adult,
rational manner, you both avoid the parent/child roles.
This also frees up space emotionally to look at why you
unconsciously adopted those roles early in your
relationship, and what gratification or payoff those
roles were giving you.
People often think of financial planning, but as a
couple you are also wise to think of emotional planning
as well. Anything which consistently generates
resentment, anger, and/or distance in your relationship
will inevitably lead to major problems in the future.
If you have emotional issues to resolve, learn how to do
it directly instead of playing them out through money.
About the Author:
Joe Bavonese, PhD
Relationship Institute
(248) 546-0407
http://www.relationship-institute.com
mailto:drjoe@relationship-institute.com
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