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My fiancé and I are getting married next year. I
am Catholic and he is a non-practicing Methodist. We want to be
married by the Catholic Church.
We originally wanted to have a destination wedding and get
married in Italy, as I am or Italian heritage and we both love
Italy. When we realized that getting married in Italy would
severely limit the ability for close relatives to attend, we
started looking for a place in the US to get married. We found a
vineyard in Central Virginia whose scenery and surrounding hills
look so much Tuscany in Italy, that we knew that would be the
perfect place for out wedding reception. Not to mention, the
cost to hold a reception there is half of what it would cost
where we live, and it suits our budget perfectly. To top it off,
the vineyard is owned by Italians, and they have an Italian chef
on premises that can cook an authentic Italian meal for our
reception guests...which makes this location the next best thing
to actually holding the reception in Italy.
Here is my problem:
I currently am a registered member of a Catholic Church in
Washington DC. The reception site that we found is 2 hours
outside of DC, so we need to find a Catholic Church near the
reception site to hold the ceremony, as the Catholic Church
prohibits marriage ceremonies from taking place out doors; they
must be held in a church.
We did find what we feel is the perfect Catholic Church near the
reception. It is small and quaint, and close to the reception
site, and we just fell in love with it. I approached the pastor
and explained our situation and asked if we could use his church
for our wedding. He said that while the date is open and no
other weddings are planned the day we want, he has to decline to
give us permission, as the former pastor didn't allow people
form outside the church to get married there, and he feels
obligated to uphold that decision.
So.. now we have the perfect reception site...and no church.
Technically, since my fiancé is not Catholic, the priest at the
church where I am registered said he will grant me a
dispensation, so that we can hold the ceremony in any other
protestant church (provided we find one) and our marriage
ceremony can still be done by a Catholic priest, making it a
recognized Catholic wedding.
However, my mother will have an stroke (figuratively) if the
ceremony is not held in a CATHOLIC church, and quite frankly,
since I was raised Catholic and am still a practicing catholic,
I really want to be married in a Catholic church too.
So, while the priest already said no...I am considering going
back to him and basically "begging" for him to allow us to use
his church...offering to join his church, giving a donation to
the church...whatever it takes to persuade him to let us use his
church. I even have a family friend who is a Catholic priest who
has agreed to say my wedding, so the priest at the church we
want doesn't even have to worry about presiding at our wedding.
Can you give me any advice on the best way to re approach the
priest and try to convince him to let us use his church? Would
it be better to call him or go visit him in person so he can
meet us and we can plead our case? I am desperate, as even the
church where I am registered is fully booked for any dates we
want...so I can't hold my wedding there anyway.
Your situation is a precarious one. While it is
important to respect the existing policies of any church, it seems
there may be plenty of room for persuasion in your situation. I
suggest you ask your Catholic priest friend to serve as an
emissary on your behalf and speak to the priest of this church you
wish to use for your ceremony. As your friend is a priest, he will
be more aware of the culture and bureaucracy involved for the
other priest. As colleagues, they may find it easier to discuss
the situation on a less emotional level than if you went directly
to the priest of this church yourself. Have your friend attest to
your moral character, your mother's heartfelt wishes (it seems
illogical to me that a Catholic priest would prefer you to be
married outside the church than to grant use of his church), and
the special circumstances involved (you live tow hours away, your
church is booked, and it would be very trying on guests to travel
for the reception). You will want to have your parish priest serve
as your emissary as well, by also attesting to the fact you are a
practicing Catholic of good character, that his church is booked,
and that you and your family very much want a church ceremony.
Together, your parish priest and friend will make a powerful case
in your behalf.
I believe appealing to this priest's sense of religion and duty
will be more successful than if you resort to "begging" or even
attempting something that may seem like a bribe. An offer of a
generous gift (including all the wedding flowers) should be made,
but not in an emotional context. I believe the priest's
colleagues, (your friend who is a priest and your parish priest)
stand a much better chance of reaching out to him in the spirit of
their common bond, knowledge of the Catholic bureaucracy, and as
representatives of your character and religious conviction.
Your main objective is to present yourself as a dedicated Catholic
who needs a church for her wedding ceremony, not as a bride
looking for the "perfect" setting for her wedding.
I am sure that together these priests can reach an understanding,
particularly if your friend agrees to perform the wedding, and if
need be your friend and parish priest can always reach out to
other channels of the church for aid and advice. You do not have
that ability or connection. Try this strategy first before
resorting to any behavior the priest of this church might consider
pesky or manipulative (don't cry or cajole, or frivolous (don't
base your arguments on the appearance of the church).
If your request is granted, be sure to make an offering that is as
generous as you can afford above the cost of using the church.
Have the priest himself suggest a few particular offerings you
could make that are needed by the church. Write thank you notes to
everyone who helped and write a very gracious thank you to priest
of this church.
Good Luck,
Susan, Foreverwed.com Wedding Expert
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