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Wedding Planning -
Jewish
Weddings |
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Jewish Weddings:
A Practical Guide
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Answers to your most important wedding flowers questions |
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Jewish Wedding
Ceremonies - A Practical Guide
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Ufruf
The Sabbath before your ceremony it is customary
to go to a service and receive an aliyah (going
up to bless God for the reading of the Torah.
Aliyah is Hebrew for "going up." Ufruf is
Yiddish for the same thing). Some Mizrachi
communities (Persia, etc.) hold the ufruf on the
Shabbat following the wedding. Local
congregations are very open to this. If you have
been active in Hillel Shabbat services, then
Hillel may have a special Shabbat morning
service for you.
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"Yom Kippur"/Mikveh/Fasting
Your wedding day is Yom Kippur for you, a day to
start fresh and sinless with each other. If you
pray daily, pray the Yom Kippur service. If you
don't normally pray, you can still do the Shema
and the "For the sin which I have committed..."
confession from the Yom Kippur service. You
could also fast to make this more meaningful.
Start your fast after the rehearsal dinner (or
at sundown) and continue it until the ceremony.
If your ceremony is at night then there is no
fasting because the day of your wedding begins
at sundown. You could both also go to mikveh, or
to the ocean/bay, to "wash" away your sins and
start fresh. It is a marvelously spiritual
occasion. You can go separately, with your best
male/female, or together. Go as close to the
date of your wedding, at least one "clean" day
after the woman's period as you can.
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Sexual Separation and
Consummation In order
to make the marital consummation as exciting and
novel as possible, its recommend that you
separate from each other at least a week before
the wedding. Do not sleep or dress or shower
together, and, if necessary and possible, one of
you should move to a different place for that
week. In order to be minimally tired when you
consummate the marriage, its recommend morning,
noon, or afternoon rather than evening weddings.
-
When Not To Do The Ceremony
Since there are legal transactions, such as
witnessing, document signing, and exchange of
money (rings) to effectuate the ceremony,
weddings are not to take place on Sabbaths or
festivals. Some do happen on Friday afternoons
so that the wedding feast is a Shabbat dinner.
But it might be inappropriate to mix a Shabbat
or festival theme with your wedding. (Jews
traditionally avoid mixing simchas, in order to
more closely focus on each one.) And, in any
case, rabbis are very busy just before Shabbats
and festivals. Saturday night weddings, and
those immediately following a festival holy day,
should be at least an hour after sunset. You can
start them with havdalah under the chuppah.
Again, it might be better not to hold your
wedding production at this time because all the
logistical hassles and worries tend to intrude
into the holiness of the day. Other times not to
have weddings are fast days, and some do not do
them between Passover and Shavuot (the Omer
period), except for on Rosh Hodesh Iyyar, Rosh
Hodesh Sivan, and Lag b'Omer. Others permit
weddings from Lag b'Omer to the day before
Shavuot. Some do the ceremony anytime during the
Omer period except Yom ha Shoah (Holocaust
memorial day), and Yom ha Zikaron, (Israel's
memorial day for fallen soldiers). Some do not
marry on or between the fast of the seventeenth
of Tammuz (the 586 BCE breaching of Jerusalem's
walls by the Babylonians) and the 9th/10th of Av
(the Burning of the Temple in 586 BCE, and also
by the Romans in 70 CE). Others only restrict
ceremonies from the 1st to the 9th/10th of Av.
Some not at all. Another day to avoid is April
21, Hitler's birthday. Also -- time the ceremony
as best you can so it doesn't take place during
the bride's period.
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Place
You can often rent a synagogue (with chuppah and
social hall) or use an indoor or outdoor area.
Problems with outdoors -- shade (you can rent
umbrella tables); heat, wind, airplane or
traffic noise, rain (have a contingency plan for
this). If you have a ceremony at a private home,
be sure to inform or invite the neighbors so
that they are forewarned of the noise and
traffic and so that you have no competing noises
during the ceremony and reception.
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Wedding Booklets
You may wish to write a pamphlet or sheet with
information about your ceremony -- what symbols
and rituals you are doing, why you are doing
them, and what they mean. It may also include
your version of the birkat haMazon, and any
songs you would like people to sing. The ushers
can hand these booklets out with the kipot as
people enter.
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Other Readings/Poems In Your
Ceremony
Within reason, most anything will be acceptable.
Check it out first with the rabbi and find an
appropriate place to put them. If you wish the
rabbi to make any announcements please put them
in writing.
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Pictures
As far as I am concerned you can have as many
pictures taken with or without flash,
video/audio taped, as you want by your official
photographer during the ceremony. An unobtrusive
photographer is best. My advice is to take the
posed shots before the ceremony so that once the
ceremony is over you can just party. In
addition, photos at this time will show you at
your freshest. If you are withholding seeing
each other until the ceremony, then you can
still take the posed shots before the ceremony
that don't need you together. Or, as some have
done, take the non-you shots, then take the
with-you shots, and immediately as the finish
have the best man and woman shoo everyone out so
you can have a little pre-yichud to appreciate
each other. Here is a list of wedding things you
might wish the photographer to shoot:
- signing the
ketubah
- badeken (see
#9)
- walking
around each other
- the ketubah
- breaking the
glass(es)
- making
kiddush and motzi after the ceremony
- the dancing
-- chair dance, krenzl putting, krenzl dance
(see #26)
- Birkat
haMazon blessers (see #27)
- The Chuppah
You can use any
free standing, foursided, flower-covered or not
flower-covered decorated or undecorated canopy,
or you can use the four 8' poles with cup hooks
on the ends to hold a tallit or a specially made
chuppah cover. You can rent a canopy from Porter
Rents or Abco Rents, or a chuppah from Bob &
Bob. If you are having a wedding in a synagogue
they will provide a chuppah. You can decorate
and paint the Hillel chuppah poles any way you
want. The chuppah top can be a tallit or any
cloth with any design you like.
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Garb
For a woman, the questions usually concern white
dress or not for a remarriage, and whether or
not a veil. As far as I am concerned, the dress
is up to you -- a wedding is your fantasy, and
white or non-white, fancy dress or cowgirl, it
is up to you. The same goes for a veil. And it
makes no difference if this is your first or
fourteenth wedding. If you do wear a veil, it is
customary for the man to lift it to check
whether or not you are who you are supposed to
be (to see if it is Rachel and not Leah). This
is called "badeken", bedecking the bride with a
veil, and can either be done before the
ceremony, or just before the bride and groom
together enter the chuppah, as a way of lovingly
looking at each other.
For a man (and
for some egalitarian women) it is traditional to
wear a tallit or a kittel (a full garment --
robe or shirt -- with fringes). You can wear
your kittles again on Yom Kippur, Pesach seder,
and to be buried in. The connections between
these "kittel times" is that they are all new
beginnings, and every Yom Kippur and seder
thereafter you will remember your marriage. It
is customary in some communities for the woman
to give her husband a new tallit/kittel because
the 32 fringes (four corner bundles of eight)
spell "heart" when the number "32" is written in
Hebrew letters. If the bride will wear one, the
groom could also give her a tallit/kittel. Kipot
are optional for you both and for your guests.
If you normally wear one in religious contexts,
wear one this day. You may wish to get an extra
special kipah to wear, which you can thereafter
wear at festivals, etc. If you offer kipot to
your guests, either have the ushers give them
out or put them in a basket by the entry to the
ceremony area. You may wish to put a sign on the
basket saying that they are optional or
required.
-
Wine
Use good kosher wine for the chuppah. Use white
wine if you are worried about staining, red if
you are not. You may have whatever wine you wish
for the reception, but since the chuppah is a
Jewish religious ceremony, kosher wine is the
most appropriate. Decant the wine into a
decanter with a lid. It is less tacky this way
than pouring from a bottle. And the lid keeps
bugs out. You may wish to buy an extra case of
this wine to keep for your anniversaries, or to
give to family or friends that helped and
supported you throughout.
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Kiddush Cups
There are two wine blessings. You may use two
cups or four cups or the same kiddush cup. You
may use new glasses that you can subsequently
smash at the end of the ceremony, or you can
inaugurate new kiddush cups for the two of you,
or you can use an heirloom. Whatever you wish.
-
Glasses To Smash
You can both smash glasses. Women's shoes,
however, are usually designed to step with the
toe, so use a long champaigne flute which is
easily smashed. Wrap the glasses in heavy cloth
napkins and tape them securely shut. Some people
keep a shard of glass and put it in a keepsake
pendant. Light bulbs are also OK. They make more
noise. If your ceremony is on grass, you may
wish to have a small board to use to put the
glasses on so that they break.
-
Rings Or No Rings
Jewish custom, not law, was to have a plain gold
band without stones so that the stipulated
marriage contract prices could be verified by
simply weighing the amount of gold instead of
subjectively appraising the stone. This was only
important in an arranged marriage that was not a
love match in order to avoid contractual
wranglings and recriminations that might lead to
annulling the marriage on the grounds of fraud.
But you can use any kind of rings you like with
or without stone, stones, or designs. You can
wear them on your left hand like Americans or on
your right like Israelis. You can also choose
not to use rings by exchanging any present(s)
worth at least a dime. If you exchange presents,
the wedding vow uses the word matanah, "gift",
instead of taba'at, "ring."
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Ketubah
Keep your art ketubah under a plastic sheet to
guard against spills. You can have any ketubah
you wish (Reform, Conservative, Orthodox,
Egalitarian). Discuss this with the rabbi. You
can get a pre-printed ketubah or have an art
ketubah commissioned with various text that you
can write and have translated into Hebrew. In an
Orthodox or Conservative standardized ketubah
check whether or not the word "virgin" has
already been printed to describe the bride. Get
one where the phrase "bride" can be filled in.
Also, make sure that the bride price and the
groom's "additional" pledge amount have not been
pre-printed so that they can be appropriately
filled in. Think, in shekels, how much extra you
would like to pledge, if anything. 1000 is a
nice number.
-
Witnesses
You need two, non-related (at all) to either of
you, Jewish, and over bar/bat mitzvah age to
witness the signing of the ketubah. For the
California document, any two adults will do. The
ketubah witnesses need to know their Hebrew
names. Sign all the documents half an hour or so
before the ceremony.
-
Table
Under the chuppah you will need a small, sturdy
table to hold the wine, kiddush cups, decanter,
glasses to smash, and the ketubah if it is
small. Otherwise I recommend an easel to hold a
large art ketubah.
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Best Men, Maids Of Honor, Ushers,
Bridesmaids, Groomsmen
You may have as many or as few of these as you
wish. They can be the same as the witnesses,
they can read things, or not. They can usher
people in, or they can be honorary ushers (with
no job).
-
What Best Men/Maids Of Honor Are
For
They hold your rings, and will be your
aides-de-camp to make sure things run smoothly.
Don't be afraid to use them to get things done
so you don't get too frazzled. They are there to
help you enjoy yourself.
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Deceased Parent(s)
You can still have a sibling or two, or other
relatives fill in under the chuppah. You may
wish to say kaddish the day of your wedding, as
it is a Yom Kippur Yizkor for you. You can have
a small service, or you could just say it
yourself.
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Divorced Parents
Use your best judgement and do what you need to
do in every situation, from processional to
chuppah to head table, krenzl dance (see #27)
etc.
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Processional/Recessional
Anything is OK, from all of you just gathering,
to long formal parades. Be sure to have a good
rehearsal beforehand. The rabbi will not conduct
rehearsals -- you will do this. It is also good
to have one person who is not in the wedding
party send each person/couple down the aisle,
letting everyone know when it is their turn.
Suggested order:
- rabbi with
chuppah holders (if you are not using a
freestanding chuppah.) Sometimes if the groom
is not coming out with his parents, he comes
out with the rabbi.
- grandparents
ushered to their seats
- ring and
flower bearing children
- wedding
party males and females leading up to the ....
- best male
and female (together or maid of honor first)
- groom,
flanked by parents, then ...
- bride,
flanked by parents.
Parents kiss
their child then enter the chuppah, the groom
escorts the bride into the chuppah and the
ceremony starts. In all cases, men on the left,
women to the right. Parents end up under the
fringes of the chuppah on the side of their
child. Best people stand by the front pole of
the chuppah on the appropriate side. Others
usually flare out from the front poles, (closest
to the congregation) facing the crowd. They can
also ring the chuppah around back. A recessional
order is: the bride and groom, parents (bride's
then groom's), wedding party in reverse order,
rabbi, and chuppah.
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Music
Mendelssohn was a Jewish convert to
Christianity, and Wagner is considered a
proto-Nazi, so these two composers are in very
bad taste at Jewish weddings. Otherwise, the
processional and recessional music is up to you.
I highly advise against any music during the
ceremony, as it is excruciatingly boring to all
involved to stand there doing nothing. Also make
sure your processional songs do not last longer
than the processional itself, or you'll be
standing there just waiting for them to finish.
If you are going to be circling each other under
the chuppah following the processional, have the
musicians play through the circling.
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Standing Under The Chuppah
You can hold hands or put your arms around each
other, standing close during the ceremony -- you
need not stand rigid like two statues on a cake.
If one of you wears a tallit, pull it over the
shoulder of the other one during the ceremony,
and leave your arm around him/her.
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Yichud (Being Alone Together
After the Ceremony And Receiving Lines/Table
Hopping)
Instead of the American custom of jumping
straight from the chuppah into the receiving
line, the Jewish tradition is to let the
marriage "set in" privately for a few minutes
before going out to greet your guests. Have the
caterer leave two plates of food for you to
break your fast (see #2) and stay in a lockable
isolated private room until you're good and
ready to come out. Your guests can be sipping
wine and nibbling hors d'oeuvres until you come
out. Then, you can either have a receiving line
into the meal area, or skip the line and greet
your guests by hobnobbing at tables, etc.
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Kiddush/Motzi
After the ceremony/yichud, you may wish to lead
your guests in a kiddush over champaigne. (You
could have had only wine served during your
yichud). Before eating (you are served/go
through the line first) you may wish to lead
your guests in motzi. There are four to six feet
long challot you can get for this. If you are
accustomed to the traditional motzi, the
caterers can set up hand washing stations for
you (bowls with water, empty bowls, cup, paper
or other towels). Be sure to let the caterer
know you'll need a slat shaker by the challah in
order to salt the challah just after you make
the blessing. After you eat a bite, the caterer
cuts and distributes the rest.
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Jewish Dances Keitzad Merakdim
(Hebrew for "How do we dance?")
It is traditional to dance around the bride and
groom while they are seated, and to clown around
while we dance to make them laugh. If you let
the band know this, they will help get it going.
Let your wedding party also know what you want.
Any old freilach (Yiddish style) or hora
(Israeli style) music will do for any of these
dances.
Chair Dance.
This is to make you a king and queen by
enthroning you on flying thrones. You will need
a cloth napkin or scarf to hold hands (if you
try to hold hands, you will pull the light one
off the chair!). Also women can hold up the
bride's chair as men do the groom's chair. Make
sure your best person and/or the biggest,
tallest, strongest person is in the front of the
chair, keeping it tipped back. Then you won't
fall out!!
Krenzl Dance.
If either of you is the last one in your family
to be married your parents merit a krenzl (crownlet)
dance! The bride and groom put floral wreaths on
their heads and seat them in the middle of the
room and lead everyone in a dance around them
just as everyone danced around you. That makes
them a king and queen. If both sets of parents
merit this, do them together.
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Birkat haMazon/Sheva Brachot
If you are accustomed to praising God after you
eat (birkat haMazon -- the blessing after food),
you are entitled to add the seven wedding
blessings all during the first "honeymonth" of
your married life. You end with the borey pri
hagafen instead of the way it is done during the
chuppah ceremony. It is also customary to have
different friends, or groups of friends, each
lead (in English or Hebrew -- God understands
both) one of the blessings. The wine cup is
passed around from blesser to blesser.
Only you two drink the wine. The
blessers just get to hold the cup!
The wine is
first poured into one cup from two cups. (Have
the caterer set that up on a little tray,
preferably with a flower or sprig on the tray).
And this one cup is taken around, and finally
brought back to you to drink. It is also
customary, if you are staying in town or near
friends after the wedding, to have friends
continue the wedding partying by having people
(and you) over to dinner, and every night having
people who were not at the wedding participate
by saying these blessings over the cup. You can
also have 7 or 14 people or couples participate
in the wedding ceremony seven blessings. Be sure
to write out everything for the readers,
including who they follow when reading. Also
station them in the order they will read. It is
much less confusing that way.
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Picnic Dinners
Since you may or may not have the chance to eat
your fill at your wedding feast, and, since when
you get back home/to the hotel you may be hungry
anyway (and why should you have to go out for
pizza?) I recommend asking the caterer to pack
you generous helpings of the wedding food to
take along with you that first night
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